where was i?

germany. of course.

sophomore year, my fourth year in germany, my second at a high school on a military installation.

i had a metal-head for a boyfriend. a boy all wife-beaters and black eye-liner and "i will kick your ass" and you'd never guess it but he would bring me flowers and call me his "little girl". he was so sugary sweet but you'd never know.

and i. i was all punk rock and bitterness. only i didn't quite know it yet. i was sex pistols and fishnet stockings torn and worn up and down my arms. i only believed in wearing what hadn't been accepted yet, and every time i turned around something i wore a week or so ago was catching on. i wore legwarmers fashioned from sweaters, argyle socks, wrist cuffs of leather and suede and ribbons and shoelaces. i wore glow in the dark bangle bracelets and black leather spiked dog collars.

i was all snarls and stars.

jeans so flared they'd cover my entire shoe. the red classic reeboks that are to this day my favourite. i'd pretend to see things no one else did, and it would scare girls like amy who'd say "the scary part is just that it really does look like you are looking at something". in thin air. i'm talented that way. maybe i should go into acting.

i would sneak shots of bacardi from the cabinet, then climb out the window and sneak up to alan's house to get in tickle fights and listen to metallica. everything i did was a messy combination of hardcore hatred and naive love.

i'd sneak out of school to go hide in my boyfriend's basement. he'd play me songs he had written during class, just for me, and we'd make out, me memorizing his closed eyelids then glancing around at the slayer posters.

i was a fan of doing whatever the fuck i wanted.

but i still had a 4.0 GPA.

i was grounded almost that entire school year. for forging signatures, referring to my step-dad as "it", and being caught in places i wasn't supposed to be.

i was young and careless.

i was tracing names into the dirt on a baseball diamond, waiting for the pitch.

i was on my back in a gazeebo staring at the black gap between all the stars.

i was running through hills and fields with only my own breathing and the music in my ears to keep me going.

i was sneaking cigarretes and not knowing why. and i still can't even spell that word.

c-i-g-a-r-r-e-t-e-s. something like that..

so then i moved. to grand forks AFB, north dakota. nicole always told me "north dakota, oh my god you're going to positively hate it! it sucks so bad, there's nothing to do at all." i wanted to run away. i made a list. and plans. i packed my bags. i was going to live with my friend tim, tim who was 4 years older than me. me 15, him 19. my boyfriend was happily in between, 17.

i have a tendency to only date boys at least two years older than myself. i think it's cause i seek a certain level of maturity not found in most boys.

boys.

but i moved to north dakota. and she was right. i do hate it. not because it's north dakota or anything, sure.. being able to see for miles is kinda neat. but you have to understand.. i'm a city girl.

i am asphalt and malls with 13 movie screens.

i am the metro and stolen kisses in a phone booth.

i am filled parking lots and large concert halls.

i am don't ever get attached to anything or anyone or any place.

i am road trips and minimal posessions.

i am having your guard up 24/7.

and now what am i? i am a bitter college student, and i hate school. i am the same person, only different. since then i've had relatives die of natural causes, or by their own hands. i've been pulled out of my bed by my hair. i've moved out. i've helped someone tug on a pair of jeans so they could be driven to the hospital to have their stomache pumped. i've visited my father's grave. i've been chased down by a furious car, me peddling my bike hard as hell, choking back somber sobs. i've renounced the religion i was raised with. i've had the oppurtunity to have someone thrown in jail for life. i've cut off all my hair, added piecings, gotten ink done. i've been to countless psychiatrists. i've become pure saline but i can't cry anymore. i've screamed and yelled til my throat was an invisible bloody mess. i've learned exactly what pure fear sounds like.

i've learned a lot.

i'm just a little shadow of who i was. and everytime the spotlight falls on me i disappear.

past. : present. : future.